Helping Big Oil on the Road to Recovery

Times are hard for so many of us, right now. But when I heard that Big Oil was having trouble making ends meet, due to the pandemic and some minor international spats, I leapt at the opportunity to help out. My idea: Why not appeal directly to consumers, in the on-point way that big business is good at doing?

Hello, fellow citizen!

We are writing to you about a problem. A problem which concerns all of us. A problem which we can solve, if we all work together. Let us explain.

If there’s one thing that’s certain, even in this mad, mad world, it’s this: we all love Oil. We use it to power our cars, of course, and to warm and light our homes…and even to make the electricity that keeps those crunchy liberals’ Teslas on the road. (Shhh! Don’t tell them!) But there’s so much more. In addition, everyday miracles like industrial lubricants, fibers, petrochemicals, plastics and more – all of these practical wonders, made by Mankind, working hand in hand with Mother Nature – are made possible only through the magic of Oil. Isn’t that inspiring?!

Oil is everywhere, helping us – to borrow a phrase – make the world great! Just think: every time you light that stove, every time an Aussie “fires up the barbie”…and every time some upstanding American citizen decides to collect on his home insurance by “making it look like an accident,” Oil is there to lend a neighborly hand. It’s everywhere, depended upon by everyone! Why, halfway around the world, maybe at this very instant, as some proud pacifist decides to make a statement, it’s Oil he reaches for and pours generously over his righteous self…just before he lights the match.

But there’s trouble now. After decades of gangster – oops! – gangbuster business, with profits, bonuses and dividends for so many good people, Oil has hit hard times. They keep pumping it out of the ground, but they’re running out of places to put it. Oil is – pardon the pun – over a barrel.

This is it. This is where we’re going to ask YOU, fellow citizen, for your help. Won’t you please come to the aid of this struggling industry which has given the world so very, very much?
Won’t you give Oil a home?

We’ve tried to explain how useful Oil is. But have you ever stopped to consider how much more it could do for you? Those barrels look like big cans of beans, sure, but they make exquisite coffee tables. Sturdy stools. Stately pedestals for your busts of Churchill and Boris Johnson. Let all the others have their four-poster beds. You’ll have a four-barrel bunk…topped with candles to fuel that romantic evening with a little something extra! Convenient and repurposable, they’re just perfect for all decors and occasions. (You can even paint them green, to let everyone know how eco-conscious you are!) These barrels make exceptional conversation pieces, all on their own. Simply roll one out, whenever guests arrive. And when it’s time for guests to leave? A hand on the lighter is all that’s needed. They’ll get the hint! Cut one down the middle and there’s a lovely crib for your tiny tot. Dress one up with party flair and you have a piñata, already filled with a sweet crude surprise. Hours of fun! Stand on one to reach a high shelf, hang a picture, or hang yourself! (Just kidding: these barrels are a bit unwieldy, and can be something of a showstopper, so to speak.)

Seriously, now. This is a challenge, but one we’re sure can be easily met, with a little ingenuity. Maybe you don’t have the extra closet space, or enough room under the kitchen counter between the Honey Nut Cheerios and your favorite butane accelerants. Just pour it down the sink, let it flow back to Mother Nature! You’ll be doing the Oil industry a favor – it’s nothing we haven’t done ourselves, from time to time – and you can recycle the barrel any way you like. The empties are ideal for planters, or may be exactly what you’ve been searching for, for stowing just about everything: holiday decorations, winter clothes, bratty toddlers, miserable teens and even sanctimonious adults. All fit with a bit of work. Needless to say, these barrels are smartly designed, and airtight. No offensive odors at all.

Best of all, what with the surplus, prices are temptingly low right now. So why not stock up or redecorate?Take advantage, or just a little revenge. Oil is there for you, oh so practical, practically free for the taking! We’re over a barrel, but we can still offer what we always have: a barrel of fun!

Oil. We make the whole world a little bit warmer. So…can Oil count on you?